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Grown Children of Divorce: Another Challenge for the Church

In this day and age, there are few people who haven’t been touched by divorce in some way, even if it is simply having a friend or family member who has divorced. Divorce is a tragedy for all involved and while many view it as sin, it does not go beyond the possibility of forgiveness.  Unfortunately, forgiveness for the husband and wife who saw no other alternative, seldom brings healing to their children which is often manifested in their adult life when encountered by the claims of the Gospel or invitation of the Church.

Following is a good article reporting on a comprehensive study on the adult children of divorce with some hope for the future.  I have reproduced it in its entirety, with all links intact and without edit.


Fragmented Families

and the Future of the Church

by James Tonkowich

Did anyone ever read let alone preach a sample sermon I wrote on Malachi 2:13-16? I wonder. Most of us would rather not think about “Why God Hates Divorce.” Yet as the authors of “Does the Shape of Families Shape Faith?” — a new report from the Institute on American Values — write, “The health and future of congregations depends upon understanding, reaching out to, and nurturing as leaders those who have come of age amid increasing family fragmentation.”


  • One million children live through divorces every year.
  • One young adult in four is a child of divorce.
  • “By the time they turn 15, 40 percent of children in the United States will confront the dissolution of a parent’s marriage or cohabitating relationship…”
  • While practicing Christians are less likely to get divorced that the rest of the adult population, 26 percent of Evangelicals and 28 percent of Catholics, many with children, divorce anyway.

While we can all cite examples of how their parents’ divorce turned some children to a strong and growing faith in Christ, that is far from the typical story. “We have learned,” the report notes, “that when children of divorce reach adulthood, compared to those who grew up in intact families, they feel less religious on the whole and are less likely to be involved in the regular practice of a faith.” Many have difficulty thinking of God as “Father” and they “stand at the leading edge of a generation that considers itself ‘spiritual, but not religious.’”

Why? Well, it’s all there in Malachi 2. God hates divorce because divorce not only tells a lie about God but it tells that lie to children, damaging their faith.

Throughout the Bible, God uses marriage between a man and a woman (the only sort there is) as a picture of his faithful and enduring love for his people. When divorce shatters that picture, the implication is that maybe God’s love isn’t quite as faithful and enduring as advertised. And that’s a lie.

Who hears the lie? Family members, church friends, and coworkers hear and are more likely to divorce if their friends are doing it and — most important — our children hear the lie.

Malachi wrote that through intact marriages God is “seeking godly offspring.” Marriage should result in children who follow their parents in a life of faith, hope, and love for God and neighbor. Divorce distorts godly offspring by telling children the lie about God in clear, painful and unforgettable terms.

The report mentions “Melissa, who found that a God she could not see and touch was too much like her own father, who lived on the opposite coast and did not respond to her letters. And Ashley, who as an adult continued visiting churches once a month, looking for a place where she might feel a sense of belonging, yet still not trusting that anyone could really understand her.”

Even, the report points out, in cases of “good divorce,” huge problems remain.

  • “The odds of religious attendance are more than twice as high for those raised in happy, intact marriages compared to those raised in amicable divorces.”
  • “Those raised in happy, intact marriages have the lowest levels of religious disinterest, compared to those raised in amicable divorces.”
  • “Those raised in happy, intact marriages are more likely to report an absence of negative experiences of God, compared to those raised in amicable divorces.”
  • “Those raised in happy, intact marriages are somewhat less likely than those raised in amicable divorces to identify as ‘neither religious nor spiritual.’”

Fortunately, “Does the Shape of Families Shape Faith?” doesn’t simply catalog bad news. Nearly a third comprises “A Plan for Congregations” with recommendations for pastors, youth ministers, parents, children of divorce, church members, and marriage ministries. This includes the most important strategy:

One of the most profound ways that we can support children of divorce is by helping there to be fewer children of divorce in the first place. It is more important than ever for churches to reflect deeply on their role as custodians of the marriage tradition, and to engage actively in preparing and strengthening congregants and people in the community to have healthy, lasting marriages.

God may hate divorce, but he loves the divorced and he loves their children. And God’s people can do no less.

“Does the Shape of Families Shape Faith?” — a free download — is an invaluable resource for more loving and effective outreach and ministry to the many, many people in and around our congregations whose lives have been impacted by divorce. Get your copy today.



This article originally appeared on Religion Today.  I came across it at Juicy Ecumenism.



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